that's what you get for fingering a highschool girl on the dance floor...

So, on a trip to Friar Tucks uptown, a friend of mine I was staying with at Tulane and I decided to go out with the explicit purpose of getting some that night. Good plan, right? We got to the bar around 11 on quarter night and quickly put down two dollars each to get some sort of buzz off the bud light. We mingled with some of his college friends, until a group of girls walked in and sat down at the table where our (new round) of beers were sitting. They asked us if it was ok if they sat there and we said sure. About five minutes later, the cute blonde in the group asked if I'd take their picture. Getting somewhat inebriated after doing shots with my buddy's friends... I said why not. After fucking up the first one, I ended up taking two more until I got it right. I started talking to the blonde and invited myself to sit at their table. Come to (quickly) find out these were a bunch of high school seniors from Dominican.

Well, not rightly giving a fuck, I said what the hell and put the moves down on a few of the girls until this one gorgeous one asks me if I want to dance. I say sure and we head out to the dance floor and start the grinding which leads to making out while we're, drunkenly, dancing. All is going well until she pushes my hand down further than I was expecting, but I relented because I was drunk and carefree. So I begin giving this chick the sticky finger (while in a relatively small crowd at Tucks) on the dancefloor. Song ends and we decide to head back to the table where my friend has been talking to two of the other girls.

I sit down and he promptly gives me the bird and says we should get another round for everyone. I agree and we go up to the bar, when I pull out a five to pay he starts laughing and asks, "What happened to your finger dude?" I look at it and from the tip to the knuckle is covered in blood. "Shiiiiiiiit!!!!" He continues laughing and I try wiping the blood off with a napkin from the bar. Getting relatively sauced at this point (we did pregame beforehand too), we get back to the table and continue talking to the girls playing off the period-finger by not mentioning it.

Gets to be about 2 in the morning and this girl and I suggest it'd be best if she came back to my friend's dorm since she lived far away (yeah... right). Well, we call the Tulane safe ride van. Me and the girl crawl all the way into the back and she starts going down and giving me head while my friend sits in the front row. About two minutes into it (some of the worst head I've ever got), she gags and lifts her head. This girl, projectile vomits into the row behind my friend and in front of us pissing off the safe ride driver. He stops the van and kicks us to the curb. She pukes a little more and my friend starts to call her a cab.

"Dude, you're cockblocking me!" I protested. He quickly, since he was a LITTLE more sober than me, explained I wasn't getting shit since the girl was not only puking but couldn't fuck me anyway. When I gave him a puzzled look, he grabbed my hand and held it up in front of my face to remind me she was not able. I said, "Ooooh. Fuck, right?" So we sit on the curb and wait for the cab, dump the bitch in it and walk back to his dorm laughing our asses off picturing what would have happened if we did bring her back.

oh and ps.. grab my pillow covers to wash on your way out?

So I'm a girl and the best way I get myself off as crazy and embarrassing as it is is by putting a pillow in my pants and humpin away on my bed.. So one night, I could have SWORN I had locked my door. And I'm going at it when all of a sudden my mom walks in and turns the lights on. I threw the blanket over me but still had this large pillow tightly stuffed in my pants! Not only did she open the door, but she came in and sat on my bed wanting to talk and lay down with me! The whole time I was trying to discretely get the f***ing pillow out of my pants before she saw! I was completely out of breath and hot, and all I could do was quiver in awkwardness and complete mortification under the somewhat safety of my blanket and say "you scared me!" I still don't understand how she couldn't have seen or known!

oh, but honey the couch...

It was my first time, and my girl Christina was on top facing the door. We were in the middle of having sex when her mom walked in. Her mom just started fussing about how she didn't want us to get the couch dirty! And Christina KEEPS GOING as she curses her mom out yelling at her to get out. Her mom finally left and well.. we finished!

a what huh?

Ok, so about 2 years ago, I went with my friend to a city park so i could talk to this really hot guy that i liked. She was friends with him, so he didn't feel uncomfortable talking to us. i wasn't exactly good at flirting at the time, so i just tried not to say anything stupid and be as nice as I possibly could. Every body always said, "be yourself."....so that is exactly what i tryed to do even though, i was as nervous as hell. He had a current girlfriend at the time who he was into, so when an awkward silence came up, he talked about her. He told a story about how he had to help his girfriends sister carry items in but everytime she bent over, her g-string showed. My friend laughed and i knew what a thong was, but not a g-string....so of course, me being my stupid innocent self... i asked him right on the spot, "whats a G- string?" Everybody, including 10 of his friends that showed up, turned to look at me and started laughing. He just turned red and so did I considering the fact that everybody was listening and watching him intently explain it to me. When i found out, i felt like i was five years old and just wanted to leave as soon as possible. it was really embarrassing.

well that was unexpected...

So when I was 6 years old I slept over at my friend's house. Everything was cool until I woke up in the middle of night having to take a shit really bad, so bad in fact that I didn't even make it to the bathroom. Strange thing was, it came out as a big ass piece of shit instead of diarrhea and in my youth I wore whitey tighties so the piece of shit was just hanging out in my underwear. I cleaned it up best I could but having no change of clothes I had to sleep in dirty underwear the rest of the night!!

hola senor!

I was in Mexico on a mission trip with my church group. We were all hanging out together when all of a sudden my stomach felt like it was going to explode, if you know what I mean. I think I drank some bad water, and all of a sudden the only thing that mattered in the world was that I get to a bathroom and fast! So I run to the bathroom and a guy had locked it. Someone was in the boy’s bathroom, so he didn’t think it’d be a big deal to use the girl’s bathroom for a minute.
So I start pounding on the bathroom door, and he’s like “hold on!” I try to hold it a little longer as I keep pounding insisting I have to get in there now, when all of a sudden… I couldn’t hold it any longer. I diarrhea-ed ALL OVER MY PANTS, IN MY UNDERWEAR, right there on the spot. I had to squish on over into the bathroom, and went the rest of the day commando and completely mortified.

i think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone arouuund..

This one time I had a party, and ended up making out with a friend in the same room that my other friends were passed out in. We were going at it, making noises, talking dirty, going under the belt, and guess what… It turns out my other friends weren’t passed out at all. They were sober, awake, and stuck in the room for the whole thing.