well that was unexpected...

So when I was 6 years old I slept over at my friend's house. Everything was cool until I woke up in the middle of night having to take a shit really bad, so bad in fact that I didn't even make it to the bathroom. Strange thing was, it came out as a big ass piece of shit instead of diarrhea and in my youth I wore whitey tighties so the piece of shit was just hanging out in my underwear. I cleaned it up best I could but having no change of clothes I had to sleep in dirty underwear the rest of the night!!

hola senor!

I was in Mexico on a mission trip with my church group. We were all hanging out together when all of a sudden my stomach felt like it was going to explode, if you know what I mean. I think I drank some bad water, and all of a sudden the only thing that mattered in the world was that I get to a bathroom and fast! So I run to the bathroom and a guy had locked it. Someone was in the boy’s bathroom, so he didn’t think it’d be a big deal to use the girl’s bathroom for a minute.
So I start pounding on the bathroom door, and he’s like “hold on!” I try to hold it a little longer as I keep pounding insisting I have to get in there now, when all of a sudden… I couldn’t hold it any longer. I diarrhea-ed ALL OVER MY PANTS, IN MY UNDERWEAR, right there on the spot. I had to squish on over into the bathroom, and went the rest of the day commando and completely mortified.

i think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone arouuund..

This one time I had a party, and ended up making out with a friend in the same room that my other friends were passed out in. We were going at it, making noises, talking dirty, going under the belt, and guess what… It turns out my other friends weren’t passed out at all. They were sober, awake, and stuck in the room for the whole thing.

wanna come to my pride rock?

One time I was participating in a dance in my school in front of about 1,500 people. So we were about 9 girls dancing to a Michael Jackson mix when, suddenly, people begin pointing at me and laughing. When I looked down at my pants, they had gone half way down my butt and everyone could see my Lion King granny panties. Never again did I get a date from any of the guys in my grade!

oh, hey mom!

So the first time I had ever gotten a girl, we had to do it on my Mom's bed because she was staying in a one room apartment and the couch… just wasn’t working out. She came home right in the middle of things and walked in on us, immediately ran outside and said “I’ll be back in thirty minutes!” But obviously the girl had no desire to continue after that so I was left with major blue balls and a horrible conversation with my mom!

curious george

So this guy had just gotten back from a frat retreat, where they were basically forced to drink and do crazy shit all weekend so he was exhausted the entire night. And we were pregaming and he asks me about guys that I’ve hooked up with at USC. So I tell him about this sophomore guy I kissed. And we’re at the bar kissing because I’m very drunk and ten seconds into it he pushes away and goes “so am I a better kisser than that guy?” And I was like “uhh, sure?”
So then he decides that since we are both tired we should go back to the dorms, and while we’re on the bus he starts asking me all these questions like “what do you like to do? Do you like to do everything? I mean we could do everything if you want?” And I’m like “whatever we will just see how things go? Haha.” Then as we’re walking up to the dorms he starts asking even more questions like “So what room do we want to go to? Do we want to go to a room? I mean what do you want to do?” And I’m like “Um let’s go to my room, calm down.” So we get to my room. I leave for one minute. I come back, he’s stripped down to his boxers on the bed and goes “so are you ready?” and I just busted up laughing uncontrollably in his face.
Then after a while of kissing we start, ya know.. doing other things and he starts asking MORE questions like “so do you shave? Do you use birth control? Should I wear a condom?” like nervously asking away. And then he goes “Will you get on top first becase I really like that” and I’m like uhh ok. So we do that. About THIRTY SECONDS LATER he’s like “okay can I be on top now?” And then about THIRTY SECONDS AFTER THAT he’s like “can we do it doggie style?” And then he has condom issues, and its pretty obvious he’s never used a condom before and therefore pretty obvious it was his first time.
So after a wopping minute and a half of sex I just jerked him off, and as soon as I’m done with that he’s like “oh my god Christina I’m going to be so nervous until I find out that you’re not pregnant”… after I just jerked him off with my hand! And I’m like WHAT THE FUCK and literally laughed in his face and was like “wow you really have nothing to worry about.” He asked if he should stay and hang out? Or sleep over? Or leave? Or what should he do?!.... Needless to say I just said … “You can just go.”

how much pee can cats even generate?

One time when I was like 11 I went to a sleepover, and I peed in my pants. It got all over me, my sleeping blanket, and the floor. I cleaned up as much as possible, and in the morning I blamed it on the cat!!

a wee too much...

We were sitting in my boyfriend's car on the roof of the parking garage at my college just minding our business, talking about a whole bunch of different things. My boyfriend was in the driver's seat and I was in the passengers seat. It was around midnight and people were driving by looking for a spot or walking to and from their cars so when these two guys were walking by we didn't think much of it. However, they walked to the white dinky pick-up truck parked right next to us. We thought they were just going to get in and leave, but one of the guys pulled down the gate and laid in the truck bed gazing at the stars. The other walked over the driver's side, opened the door and started rummaging around. Since I was on the passenger side, I had my back to him and had no idea what was going on making it all the more nerve-wracking.
Not only did we have to deal with their pointless loitering, the grossly fat one of the two, decided he needed to take a piss. Since we were on the roof, he had nowhere to do it, but the cement wall that would not absorb it. It seemed like he went on for three minutes, but in the middle of the stream, he let out the loudest, grossest, wettest fart I have ever heard. As my boyfriend so gently described it, "it sounded like the guy was shitting a squirrel!"
They eventually drove away, but the memory of that three minute long squirrel shitting fart will never leave me!

not just water...

A group of college kids, mostly really hot guys, was staying with my friend this weekend. It was the last day of their trip so we decided to treat them to a boat ride out on the lake. It was that time of the month, if you know what I mean, but that usually isn’t a huge problem for me so I decided to join them on the boat ride. Only a few minutes into the ride I realized that I already had to change my tampon. We eventually pulled over to a small little island, so since there was obviously no bathroom I found a small dark cave to use.
When I got into the cave, which wasn’t that secretive of a cave in the first place, I found that not only did I need a new tampon, but there was blood everywhere! Everywhere! I didn’t know what to do, and was in a panic so I put two super jumbo tampons in at once! (Thank god this blog is anonymous). After that, I thought I was ready to go.
We get back on the boat and we’re on our way back towards the city when a few significantly sized waves rock our boat, making water crash over every one of us. We all laughed and shivered a little until the hottest boy on the boat, Chris, pointed out something on the seat. He screamed, “Is that blood?!” Apparently two didn’t even do the job… blood had trickled from my bathing suit bottoms all the way to the end of the boat bench at the front of the boat. Everyone screamed and ewww-ed (or just awkwardly stared at me in sheer mortification) until I explained that I must have cut my leg on something when we hit the bumps. I still don’t know if they believed me, but they would have to be RETARDED to believe that! Needless to say I’m sure they drove back up to Montana with lots to talk about and an interesting story to share with their friends.